Because I was too afraid to see her.
(And I often couldn’t get it up.)
Days later, I lost my job because I was too terrified to speak to clients.
The thing is, I wasn’t particularly shy.
In fact, I was always the most outspoken of all my friends.
The one who initiated conversations, made others laugh and got the girls.
But whenever my Adderall trips ended, my mind spiraled down to a jittered state of panic…
Making it impossible to do anything but lie there, trembling in my bed… Just waiting for all of it to pass.
And that wasn’t even the worst part.
Because I had gotten used to my prescribed dosages, I had to take more and more each time to feel its effects.
Every morning, I faced a standstill:
Do I take more Adderall so I can actually be someone and actually get things done?
Or do I try to quit, but spend the entire day knocked out in my bed, crushed by the withdrawals?
As you likely experienced yourself…
The more I took, the worse the withdrawals became.
And right when I thought I had hit rock bottom…
Had nothing more to lose…
And maybe had a chance at building myself back up again…
I overdosed, and my world went black.
It happened so fast.
And while it’s been over 7 years now…
I can still picture the ambulance’s flashing lights rushing towards me…
And the screech of it’s wheels as it raced back to the hospital to save my life.
A few days later, my eyelids finally opened.
What used to be the driven high-achiever was now a weak, ugly and jittery creature I could barely recognize.
The scene was literally like a movie.
The only thought running in my mind was “Am I going to die?”
By God's graces, I saw the old Neal in my own eyes.
The Neal, with an edge.
And at that moment I said the three most important words I'd ever say:
"I am responsible."
And while this meant it was my fault that I had let my addiction take over my life…
It also meant I had the power and responsibility to turn it around.
My first mission?